I used to have an idea of how my ideal family would be. 4-5 kids, 2 years apart. They would grow up together, play together, and be good friends. I have since learned that there is no one ideal. And it has been a difficult lesson to learn.
I am very content and happy with my family. I have a wonderful husband, an amazing son, and we are happy. We have the Gospel, my husband has an ideal job, we get to travel, and we really love each other. What more could we want?
Unfortunately this content feeling is intermingled with feelings of sadness, guilt, and loneliness. Sadness that my family is not growing as quickly as I would like. Sadness that I am getting older and my childbearing years are getting shorter. Guilt that I can't give Taylor a brother or sister to play with. Guilt that my life is not crazy busy taking care of lots of little ones. Guilt that I am sad when someone else gets pregnant. Guilt that I am not completely satisfied with my great family and life. Lonely feeling like no one understands how it feels to be in my shoes.
Luckily I am sane enough to know that many of my negative feelings are a bit irrational. I still have several years to try and have kids, there are plenty of people out there who completely understand (even some close friends), and it's okay to devote my time to just one child.
But these past few years have not been easy. I have really had to learn to rely and trust in the Lord. My first year of infertility I was miserable and could think of little else. But when I learned how to share the burden with the Lord, I have been much happier. I have learned to be happy with the now, and not dwell on what may or may not be in the future. I am still very sad each month when I find out I am not pregnant, but I have found a lot of comfort knowing that the Lord is aware of me. This is something that I have to continually work on, with lots of ups and downs.
Here are a few things I have learned from this experience.
1. Don't compare myself to anyone else. Example: So and so is younger than me, was married after me, and just has had three kids since I gave birth to my one. It just makes me feel sorry for myself.
2. Don't try and figure out why God would allow this to happen to me. For example: I must not be a very good mother so He can't trust me, or He thinks I can't handle having more than one, or maybe I am not doing well with the one I already have, etc. It is self-destructive.
3. Keep perspective. I probably will have more kids. If I am 32, 33, or 36 when that happens it doesn't matter. Afterward I will look back and wish I didn't worry about it so much. This one is much easier said than done.
4. Don't feel sorry for myself. When I am at a baby shower and 3/4 of the women in the room are pregnant, I don't need to dwell on the fact that I am not pregnant. If I can have a conversation focusing on someone else, I won't have to feel so bad for myself.
5. Serve others. When my mother-in-law was in her last months of battling cancer, she decided to make blankets for her grandchildren. She was too sick to do much of anything, let alone take on a big project. But she got one of her close friends to help her, and she got them done just before she passed away. When I asked her about them, she told me that she was starting to feel sorry for herself, and she needed to stop and do something for someone else. She was suffering a lot, and yet she was thinking of other people.
6. Live in the present. I have the great blessing of being a mother. I need to enjoy every minute of it instead of being sad that I am not getting more of it. That just doesn't make sense.
I don't know why this is a trial I have to endure. But I hope that I can look back and be grateful for how this experience has helped to refine me and make me a better person.
19 comments:
I love you Nat. I don't know what you're going through but I've had two sisters that have struggled with infertility and my heart ached for them. I hope everything works out for you. I know you're a fabulous mom and Taylor is sure lucky to have you.
I relate to everything that you have written, and you wrote it so well. I love you! I am praying for you! I admire your positive attitude and the insights you've shared here. Thank you for being my friend and support.
(The comment deleted above was from me. I was accidentally logged in as Buffalo Ward.)
natalie, we dealt with infertility from the beginning. our first was an IVF baby, our second adopted and then, through energy work and our faith, we have a third who is a miracle baby by all medical opinions. I have found continual success in clearing energy for women to be able to conceive- let me know if you're interested- I know the heartache and disappointment- you're wonderful to be able to see the blessings in your life when this trial seems so overwhelming. love you and your little family!
Thanks for sharing Natalie. I look at your family with a perfect little blondie, traveling around the world with your talented husband and think how could your life be any more perfect? I try not to be jealous. Life is not always as it seems on the outside right? I think it must be horrible to live in the Buffalo ward and want to be pregnant. Now my heart really hurts for you and I hope that this trial is over soon. With love, Kashann
You are in my prayers Natalie. I haven't felt how you feel first hand, but I know through my older sister who dreamed of lots of children, but has not had the opportunity to get married yet. I admire your strength and faith!
I'm so sorry Natalie. We miss you, think about you and pray for you. Your family, as it is, is one of my favorites in the whole world.
Thanks so much for sharing this. I really appreciate your honesty and the fact that you have turned to the Lord and found faith in him. This is something that I am still working on with disappointments in my life. Thanks for being such a great example to me. I thought of you this weekend when I went to the mission reunion. I was lucky enough to have such a SUPER trainer. Te iubesc.
Oh the trials that we must face & how very difficult they can be. Know that I think of you often & am praying for you. You are a wonderful mother & wife!!! Taylor is one lucky kid to have you. Your strength is admirable so keep on keepin on lady! :)
I love you Natalie! I think about you often and have been praying for you and your family.
Great post Natalie. I have realized every one of us has a thing (or two) like this that is hard for us. That makes us feel sorry for ourselves. That makes us wonder "why me?" And usually we, at least I, think..."I'd rather have so-and-so's challenge". But at the end of the day, I suppose it isn't the challenge that matters (I'm saying this for me more than anything). It's our unique test and HF knows which test will test us best. It's all about how we handle it and it sounds like you are doing great. Olivia and I are coming to Buffalo this weekend. I'm hoping we'll get to see you guys too.
p.s. you are a fabulous mother, so you never have to think that thought again. and also, thanks for sharing that story about Susan. i love her.
I know you probably didn't write this post looking for sympathy, but I wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and praying for you. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I know that everything in life happens for a purpose and sometimes we have to wait for answers to our prayers until our Heavenly Father is ready to give them to us. I know you are doing the right thing by turning to him for comfort and strength. Your positive attitude is inspiring!
Hi Natalie,
This post is so touching, and I appreciate your honesty. There are so many who could learn from your faith, and I love what you have to say about Susan's ability to "forget herself and get to work." She was an incredible woman, and I'm sure that, as your mother-in-law, she taught you many valuable life lessons.
I know that the idea of a smaller family is almost unfathomable given the large families that you and Adrian both come from. I can tell you, however--from the perspective of an only child who has an only child--that small families can be magical, too.
Heavenly Father will give you the family that you are meant to have, and, whatever that family is, I have little doubt that you will rise to the challenge in the most remarkable of ways.
Hang in there.
Thinking of you with love.
Thanks for being such a great example to all of us. I will have to remember this post when trials come. You have a beautiful family.
This is beautifully expressed, Natalie. I think you're so wise to try to look at this challenge from a more long-term perspective, although I know that is often the very hardest thing to do during a difficult time! We love your family and are hoping for all the best for you.
Love, Carrie
Love you, Natalie. Thank you for your post. I am sorry you have to experience this trial, but hope you know that your sharing has helped others (including me). We don't share the same trial, but I have been struggling a bit lately too with other things and your words are what I have been thinking and reaffirm what I too need to do. Thank you. Hugs!
Natalie you're a great mom! I admire your strength. I hope you get what you're hoping for, you deserve it!
Natalie, this may not mean much to you at this time but know that you and your family are being thought of and prayed for by our family every day. Although, I've just had my second, I too spent many nights crying myself to sleep wondering if I would be able to have another child besides Nissi. Especially during my dad's illness I REALLY wanted to at least be pregnant to share the news with him but..the Lod didn't see fit for it to happen that way. I myself have had feelings of jealousy when congratulating a friend on their new arrival. The Lord truly does know exactly what we're going through and is mindful of us even when we don't see it ourselves. We love you soo much and know that you are the best mom Taylor could possibly ask for. Especially because you can be totally honest about your feelings and because you are thinking about Taylor and his needs as well to be a big brother. Hang in there..Faith and Prayer are far mightier than we think! (p.s. what you have done by being by your mother-in-law's side during the last couple of years WILL be recompensed by the Lord).
Thanks for sharing your feelings and thoughts, Natalie. I felt the Spirit as I read it. Te iubesc!
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